SPRECAN.SPECAN.SPECEN.

Helen Keller: Woe to the man who have EYES but can’t SEE!

It is unusual for me to quote anybody (since I’ve always been original) but I must say our dear Helen Keller struck me. If she were alive, I probably would hop on to the next plane to her place and beg her to talk to me for five minutes. Not that I have decided to work for E, or Time, or any other magazine but I just really need to talk to somebody RIGHT right now. I’m DESPERATE.

A lot has happened lately and I just feel like talking to a friend.

I prayed this morning - actually, my first serious talk to God in a long time. Yes, I have been distant and not because I pretended to be COOL…and no, it isn’t COOL at all to act unChristian when you actually have to in life. Christianity as they say, is a way of LIFE. I am Christian.

My friend Tonie advised me to ask for a direction from God about knowing where I am going. She’s right - she always is and I am so glad to be friends with someone who knows what to do all the time because I don’t. I am young and immature. It’s almost as if I am in the same boat as when I left the Philippines 2 years ago. I thought I would know how to live my life better if I lived on my own. Many people age and still have no idea where they are. I must admit, I am in that same boat…a SHIP even.

Last Monday, I took a walk by the beach. (Well, it’s not exactly a beach since I’m in China…and in my standards, it’s not a beach at all but a murky sea of floating toxic from who knows where). In my heart, I knew I was in big trouble. I felt totally empty and couldn’t decide just what to do. According to the text I read today that struck me really hard to the punch like a torch, “vision is God-given and ambition is simply self-conjured.” Talk about miracles and this was it. I may be rich in AMBITION but I simply have no VISION at all. NONE!

Life is not perfect as they say. People think I have reached a lot but NO. I can tell you that my life has been really rocky. I have never decided on something serious and I haven’t made many good and wise decisions either. If I were to draw a graph about my direction in life, it’ll apparently blur you as I have taken so many risks that led me to fall several times. The paths I’ve walked were absolutely not a version of Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken.” I’ve been trekking a labyrinth and believe me, it’s not where God or my mom have dreamed of me to soar. I bet Alice in Wonderland felt exactly the way I do now.

I watched the Dark Knight recently. The DVD my boss lent has been on the CD rack for almost 4 months and was growing gray hairs already. I had to watch it. It was the best Batman I have ever seen. Heath Ledger - one of my favorites was genuinely exceptional in his role as Joker! Besides him, one of the characters who made an impact was Two-Faced Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckart). In the end, he made his choices by coin flipping - totally despicable. That scenario of a man who once was full of promise got me wondering if it were that easy to make a choice in life. If we could find our answers and make the best of decisions by simply tossing up a coin and deciding by the heads or tails, then life, I figure must be as easy as choosing blacks or whites, or as easy as ABCs. If I could say “heads” to continue where I am, and “tails” to quit and find greener pastures, then I wouldn’t be whining and blogging in the first place. I would have a definite answer to anything…but NO! If we were to make a decision by simply coin flipping, then we are who Ms. Keller declares without VISION, without SIGHT, and without HOPE! By coin flipping, you are letting the coin decide. “Pathetic” is not even the term for it!

At the end of the day, the decision rests on the individual who has prayed for it, thought about it over a considerable length of time, discussed the issue with responsible and sensible people, and has envisioned its consequences. In life, it is hard to make a decision. I know tomorrow, I will be more secure. Though I didn’t have a talk with Helen Keller, the words she left the world, helped me. People need a vision. We reach our goals not solely because of intellect, hard work, or not through ambition, itself; but because of the vision HE shows. Blind as we are, sometimes the signs are too glaring that they are skipped and ignored. I wonder, what must it take for us to really notice them?

As a result of all the nagging in my head - from the prudish, high, and mighty Super-ego, (who, I believe, is now happy!?!), I have finally decided to retrace my crooked steps, reach the corners of the roads I’ve taken , avoid the dead ends and long bends, and move on to the next bright direction. If someone ever finds me stumbling on the road again, rest assured that I won’t resort to a two-faced coin-flipping imp like Harvey Dent.

Deciding may take long but if made outstandingly, will pave for a really good life experience.

I wrote this conversation because I realized the deep life-long strings attached to even a single innocent question - the thoughts that come along with it and the memories a person can associate it with. It’s incredible.

….Or perhaps, it’s just how I think!

October 29, 2008

For the nth time and expectantly the last - though I know this question will always be raised – I retell my odyssey. I came to China because my college buddies invited me to stay with them for three months… At that time, there were no problems securing for a multiple-entry visa. You could easily get it in a week’s time and enter China whenever you want. Unfortunately now, with the succeeding cases of Filipinos being caught on illegal visas, drug trafficking, and other cases, it is very hard for the many Filipinos to come to China without being scrutinized and harassed by immigration officers. I cannot be mad anymore. I cannot blame them. If the other Filipinos were only thoughtful and mindful enough of their actions, then these degrading intrusions would never have happened in the first place.
The Chinese man gave me that questioning look and I automatically guessed what he was about to ask and so I continued. Luckily, the director whom I worked part-time offered me a full-time job…and so I am still here. He half-smiled. Then comes the next question: how do you find Shenzhen? If I were British, perhaps, I would answer this question in a satirical way as, I found Shenzhen by looking at the map of China. It is located in the southernmost tip next to Hong Kong. But I’m not. I answer the American way, “it’s a great place”. And…? He pried. We both smiled sheepishly. “I think it’s a very memorable place for me. It is a place that I will never forget for the rest of my life.” With a puzzled look on his face, I doubted if he understood the depth of that statement. His English level is not very high. I figure he must be thinking of what I meant. Shenzhen is a beautiful place. I simplified.

It is in Shenzhen that I started real living. In a span of one year, I’ve learned a great deal about myself. It’s hard to imagine how I survived as opposed to the easy lifestyle I had back in the Philippines. When I left the Philippines for Hong Kong, I thought I was going back in four months time. It never occurred to me that it was going to take nine months before I could throw hugs and kisses to my family again. It was very hard to even think about it now. The next big hug came when I went to the Philippines earlier this year in February. I had a fever. Mom hugged me. I started trembling with tears rolling on my cheeks…and that was not because I felt hot but because I realized how much I missed them. At that time, I could hardly say anything as I was too short of words and breath…and because in our family, crying is not a tradition. I just felt like crumbling in her arms. I remember all those nights when I needed a pat, a massage, or simply the feeling of being around a mother. I guess the best description for that emotion if I were to put into words would be…OVERWHELMING. Although, I have won several awards in my life, I must say that the best reward I have ever received so far was simply…that long-awaited hug from mom and Dianne. Perhaps, in the future, hugs too from my own children and husband. (who knows…HUGE EXCITED SMILE!)

Vegging out for the last couple of minutes heightened my new friend’s anxiety. I straightened myself, took a tissue paper, and pretended my eyes were itchy. I started stuffing and rubbing them with it. “Are you okay?” he asked. I nodded feeling nostalgic than ever. Will you stay longer?
…who knows.
I hope you will.
…that we don’t know.
Do you want to?
I bobbed my head though there was that longing to be united with my family.
How old are you?
….I’m fine, thank you. I joked. He laughed almost falling off his chair.
Be careful! I warned as he continued laughing and hitting the coffee table with his palms. I have to explain though that this question if asked to the Chinese is commonly mistaken for the very basic “how are you?”. Thus, they usually answer this with I’m fine, thank you…and you? I grin at him.
I’m 24.
I was not surprised at his immediate awe. Very young!
Yes.
Any boyfriend? You must have left someone in the Philippines.

In the past year, I dreaded that question so much for many reasons.
“Nobody. No one.” It was a dead end. I hope my voice didn’t sound bitter. This was after all an innocent interrogation. It was almost too hard to swallow the lumps that I’ve tried so hard to hide every time someone asked me that particular question. Boyfriend? I can’t even begin to describe the past relationships I have had. They were unforgettable. I loved them all but they were not meant to last. They were just there because at that point in my life, they had to be in my heart.

Why China?

I thought hard again. Although, I have answered this question too many times, I still cannot hide from that fact that it was simply because of some wounds that my mom thought would be better treated in a new environment.

I was not too tough or as wise as I am now. I was simply a wounded child then. I needed healing, change, and GROWTH. I needed an awakening. I needed LIFE. As a young adult, the hardest realization was not knowing myself and what I desperately wanted. I simply couldn’t suck the marrow out of life! I couldn’t seize and cry CARPE DIEM!!!

By now, he, too, is obviously spacing out, apparently bored with how this coffee break is turning out. Silence. Perhaps, he isn’t used to it and so came the long list of questions to entertain the time. This should be a sufficient awkward moment for him. Dropping my hypothesis of his thoughts, I assume that he feels awkward and embarrassed at how extremely neutral I seemed.

The simple yet deafening conversation ends with one last question.

Do you drink coffee a lot?
A new question - a better one, I must add, apart from the other questions he has asked. Yep, actually my second cup of coffee for today. To my mom, apparently she would have drunk her third or fourth cup of coffee at this time of day.

He raised his cup towards me, aiming to cheer me up and in a jolly voice, cried, “kambe!” It means bottoms up. We laughed, raised our cups and cheered!

Parting ways was the easiest and presumably a relief for him. We gave each other that sheer nod and all I could utter was…Kambe! (bottoms up!) For a 10-minute coffee break, that was productive! But then again, that thought apparently insinuated sarcasm still.

I entered the office thinking about Kevin and discovered I know nothing of the man. To console him in my thoughts, I decided to agree to his most probable impression of me.

How boring could I be to Kevin now?